Sluggers Stymied by Nine Person Team

It was a tough night for the Sluggers. After a promising 5-2 start to the season, the Sluggers dropped their 6th and 7th games in a row Tuesday, bring their season record to 5-9. According to experts at The Elias Sports Bureau, the two losses have now mathematically eliminated the Sluggers from any chance at capturing the first place pennant.

Game One

As Superfan pulled into the parking lot just before 6:30pm and took her seat in the bleachers, she glanced at her watch and then back at the Sluggers dugout. "Had the game already started?" she thought to herself. It was easy to see why Superfan was confused. The game had yet to start but already the Sluggers were dripping with sweat from their heads to their toes.

In what can only be described as a catastrophic 1st inning, the Sluggers failed to record an out until their opponents had already posted 5 runs on the board. When Zuko finally did record the first out of the game on a strikeout, the momentum began to shift and the Sluggers would start to come alive.

According to an unnamed clubhouse attendant, in the early morning hours of gameday, Fluffy was visited in his sleep by the spirit known as El Gran Taco. El Gran Taco spoke to Fluffy, insisting that the only way to break his hititng slump was to return to the place most dear to his stomach; a place where with an aura (or aroma) so powerful, that all of the negative energy in his body would simply melt away into mountains of shredded

cheese, hot sauce, and USDA Grade 5 beef: Taco Bell. After his first at-bat, it appeared that Fluffy might owe El Gran Taco un mucho agradecimiento. With runners on 1st and 2nd, Fluffy tripled to score Liability and Fragile. Fluffy would score later in the inning on a sacrifice fly by Zuko.

Over the next three innings, behind stellar defense from outfielder Slapshot, and middle infield defense from Liability and Bruiser, the Sluggers steadily climbed out of the hole they had dug in the 1st inning, and roared back to take a 10-9 lead heading into the 6th inning.

"WHAAAT!! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!" Zuko roared the loudest, but all of the Sluggers were thinking it. For the second time in as many innings, the umpire had made an egregious error in failing to call an out

at 2nd base. This particular missed call really hurt. Instead of recording the final out of the inning, the Sluggers were left to face the heart of their opponents lineup, with a runner in scoring position. Any base hit and the game could be lost. Sure enough, the next batter doubled, scoring two runs and giving the opponent the lead. After Fluffy was stranded at 3rd base following his second triple of the game, it appeared the game was over. But it wasn't...

"One minute" announced the umpire. Did he feel guilty about blowing the earlier call? Was he really going to let the Sluggers play another inning with only one minute left in the game? Like gazelles fleeing a hungry lion, the Sluggers swiftly took their positions, moving faster than

many had ever moved before.

After surrendering one more run in the 7th, the Sluggers trailed 13-10 heading into their final at-bats. LawDawg led off the inning with a seeing eye single, and would close the gap on a Slapshot RBI single two batters later. Unfortunately the rally would end there.

After the game, Superfan booed and hissed from the bleachers: "Are you blind ump? How could you miss that call? Can you see me? You can? Oh, then I guess you just suck!" Superfan had seen more than she could bear. A sixth straight loss for the Sluggers had her heading for her car, as parents in the vicinity whispered "earmuffs!" and hastily covered their little ones' ears as an irate Superfan cursed the umpire under her breath in passing.

Sluggers Stats

HR: None

RBI: Fluffy (4), Liability (3), Downtown (1), Fragile (1), Slapshot (1), Zuko (1)

Runs: Downtown (2), Fragile (2), Liability (2), Newbie (2), LawDawg (1), Fluffy (1), Slapshot (1)

Strikeouts Pitched: Zuko (3)

Casualties: Sir Aries (Legs)

Photos: Fluffy swings for the fences and collects one of his four hits in the game, as Fragile watches from 1st; Bruiser tallies one of her three hits in the game

Game Two

After an emotionally draining loss in Game One, the Sluggers came out flat on offense, but played easily their best defensive game of the season. On the mound, LawDawg was perfect for 1 2/3 innings before finally allowing a single. Overall, the defense played exceptionally well behind him, retiring eight of the first nine batters, with standout play from Newbie at the catcher position. Newbie grabbed multiple foul ball outs on the night, perhaps none more impressive than the small arcing bloop that she quickly spun around and snared before the ball touched the ground. After the game, Newbie commented on her gold glove play:

"Shut up! That play was sooo cray cray, right? I mean, I've gotta give mad props to Fragile for that one. Seriously. At practice, we worked on this drill that was so exactly like that! Whaddup Fragile! Woot-woot! How'd you like that D!? Suh-weet!"

Newbie wasn't the only one flashing some leather on the diamond. Liability played exceptionally well at shortstop, including turning a double at a crucial time when the Sluggers really needed an out. Slapshot continued to making diving catches in the outfield, and Bruiser made multiple plays at 2nd base. Not to be forgotten was the play of LawDawg who like Zuko before him, showed the importance of having a pitcher who could field the position, making multiple stops on comeback shots to the mound.

After trailing 1-0 after the three innings, the Sluggers rallied to tie the game in the 4th when Fragile resorted to aggressive base running techniques, likely learned from a Tom Emanski video, to more or less steal a run. The game remained deadlocked until the 6th inning when a couple of extra base hits led to two runs for the opponent. Perhaps caught off guard that the game had already reached the 7th inning, the Sluggers frantically tried to put together one last comeback, but the closest they came was a single by LawDawg.

Two grueling contests under the sun really took a toll on the Sluggers, but unfortunately they'll have little time to recover as they are back at it again on Wednesday night. With many absentees planning to attend, the Sluggers have high hopes of ending their losing streak and going after a winning record for the season.

Sluggers Stats

HR: None

RBI: Zuko (1)

Runs: Fragile (1)

Strikeouts Pitched: None

Casualties: Liability (Leg)

Photos: Squirt gets ahold of one; Slapshot singles into left field.

Sluggers Show Grit in Double-Defeat

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

The Sluggers took the field Tuesday in front of a record crowd, including friends, co-workers, family, and dozens of sniff-happy canines. The team would like to send a big thank you to all those who came out to support them.

Game One (L 5-17)

For the eighth game in a row, the Sluggers were without their star outfielder Noodle, who was a late scratch after once again citing a contract dispute with the front office. When asked how he would be compensated for his brilliance on the field, a teammate mentioned that the Sluggers play for peanuts. Noodle, the softball prima donna that he is, insisted that peanuts weren't enough and that he needed to be compensated with Ramen instead - emphatically proclaiming that he refused to put on a Sluggers uniform until he was paid. Unwilling to negotiate with terrorists, manager Fragile was once again left without his chatterbox outfielder.

When it was time for the first pitch and only nine Sluggers were out in the field, Bruiser was quickly alerted that she was needed to fill in the vacant outfield position. Things appeared to be fine until Bruiser notified the other outfielders that she would need to be instructed on whether to move in or back up as she had no sense of depth perception.

Frankly there wasn't much action in the game. Downtown had a 2-RBI double in the 1st inning, followed by an RBI single by Legally Blonde. Downtown had another RBI in the 3rd inning and Fragile knocked in a run in the 5th. Unfortunately the opponent scored 17 runs during that same span to the Sluggers' 5.

Game One

HR: None

RBI: Downtown (3), Fragile (1)

Runs: LawDawg (2), Fragile (1), Fluffy (1), Newbie (1)

Strikeouts Pitched: None

Photo: Fluffy singles in his first at-bat

Game Two (L 0-15)

It isn't easy to get shutout in a slow-pitch softball league, but that's what happened to the Sluggers on Tuesday night. The Sluggers sent 27 batters to the plate, mustering only 5 hits and "Fluffying" 3 times. Yet for as awful as a 15 run shutout could have been, the Sluggers showed a lot of heart on the field, making a number of exciting plays.

As things started to take a turn for the worse, hot-headed shortstop Fragile, lost his cool and started throwing heat-seeking missiles which seemed to have a specific target in mind. That target was aggressive baserunners attempting to run up the score. When asked for comment, Fragile apologized, stating "I don't know what I was thinking. Those throws were all arm. If I got my legs into the throws I could have had greater velocity and accuracy. I let my team down." For the record, we will assume that Fragile meant

better accuracy would have led to throws closer to his teammates and not his opponents.

Not to be overlooked was the stunning defensive play of Newbie behind the plate. Newbie's quick-like-a-cat reflexes, allowed her to catch not only one, but two short pop-ups to record outs. In both cases she jumped up from her crouch like a jack-in-the-box to snare the foul balls. Newbie was so quick that she had to be reminded by her teammates to stay down in the crouch, as she kept standing up and blocking the shorter umpire's view. Newbie also made two tag outs at home plate, the second of which left teammates wondering if she would get back up. After having her legs taken out from under her, Newbie fell awkwardly with her shoulder and neck making first contact with the ground. As oooohs rang out from the crowd, and teammates looked on with concern, Newbie yelled from the ground, "Did I at least get the out?" She did.

Unquestionably the most memorable play of the night actually resulted in two outs for the Sluggers. After back-to-back doubles by Hot Shot and Fragile, the Sluggers had runners on 2nd and 3rd with no outs and Fluffy coming to bat. Trailing 15-0, it was the perfect time for a rally. As Fluffy sailed a fly ball into left field, and with one of the Sluggers' fastest runners on 3rd base, it looked for certain that the Sluggers would avoid the shutout. The left center-fielder settled under the ball with his momentum going toward home plate. As he made the catch, Hot Shot darted for home plate. That's when the unexpected happened.

In one of the rarest occurences in corporate coed softball, the outfielder threw a perfect strike to home plate. The catcher caught the throw but Hot Shot was coming fast and determined to score. A child shouted from the playground, "It's a bird, it's a plane, it's super...Hot Shot?" In a tremendous display of effort, Hot Shot had soared head-first into home plate. When the cloud of dust settled, the umpire made the out call, but my money is on the umpire couldn't see the play because he had dirt in his eyes. Anyone who slides head first into home plate trailing 15-0 in the final inning, on a sacrifice fly nonetheless, deserves to be safe in my book. Although Hot Shot was

called out, she earned a lot of respect from her teammates on that play. Needless to say, Fragile was stranded on 3rd base to end the game, and the Sluggers had dropped their fifth game in a row.

The outcome may not have been what they had hoped, but when pressed by a team that clearly had no reservations about running the score, the Sluggers continued to play hard and not concede to their opponent.

Game Two

HR: None

RBI: None

Runs: None

Strikeouts Pitched: LawDawg (2)

Photos: Legally Blonde swings with all her might (...and misses),

Hot Shot dives into home plate, Hot Shot post-dust storm.

Injury Report: VXC Lost For Season

The Sluggers were recently dealt a devastating blow, when the team learned that star player "VXC," known by his fans as the "I.C.E. Man," would spend the remainder of the season on the Disabled List. Thanks to TMZ, we are able to provide you with his final moments on the softball diamond. If you look closely, you'll be able to see his right calf tearing. The Sluggers wish him a speedy and full recovery.